PostAWeek 7: February Performer of the Month – The Dark PotM Razes By David “Bane of Your Existence” Dysart

PostAWeek 7: February Performer of the Month – The Dark PotM Razes

By David “Bane of Your Existence” Dysart

Tom and Chuck were transcribed in front of an imaginary audience

PotM February

Bryan Cranston – Breaking Bad

http://vimeo.com/48363485

Green Day
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Hk2_KZb0GE

Queen

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uh9oUHO2dxE

CPPN – Chocolate, Peanutbutter-Filled Pretzel, Nut mix.

Tom: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We are tonight's entertainment! I only have one question. Who is the Performer of the Month?

Chuck: Welcome, PostAWeek readers, one last time to the February Performer of the Month. To catch up, you really need to read our last two posts, http://tiny.cc/PostAWeek5 and http://tiny.cc/PostAWeek6. 

Tom: A third post, for when you absolutely, positively got to nominate every performer of the month, accept no substitutes.

Chuck: Wait, that’s not a Batman quote...

Tom: I don't know why I made a Tarantino quote, but I'm still a believer in the Batman.

Chuck: Alright, well let’s just finally get to these performers.

Tom: Just real quick. You could have gone anywhere, but you came back.

Chuck: So did you.

Paul: Well then I guess you’re both suckers.

Tom: You know what, Paul. You either die a reader or you live long enough to see yourself become the writer

Chuck: Anyways! Our first performer this month is none other than Bryan Cranston for his work on Breaking Bad

Tom: Hmm, he must be a great actor.

Chuck: Why’s that?

Tom: Cause he definitely ain’t winning no awards for the way he fills out a pair of tighty whiteys.

Chuck: Ugh. Our second performer is Green Day for their album compendium.

Tom: Nothing else needs to be said. Everyone knows they’re Gotham's Green Day

Chuck: And they’re back

Tom: Let the games begin!

Chuck: And moving on to our third performer, CPPN – Chocolate, Peanutbutter-Filled Pretzel, Nut mix.

Tom: This snack is as precious to me as out previous performers, Bryan Cranston and Green Day. I swore to them that I would eat this, and I haven’t.

Chuck: Anyways, we had a bit of competition for this last spot this month.

Tom: There's a storm coming, Mr. Jewels. You and your friends better batten down the hatches, because when it hits, you're all gonna wonder how you ever thought you could throw in so many performers and leave one spot for the rest of us.

Chuck: You sound like you're a fracking moron.

Tom: I'm adaptable.

Chuck: Ugh.

Tom: And flexible. You can ask your wi-

Chuck: Nope! Just stick to the Batman references, thank you.

Tom: I knew your wife. I was her “friend”. And it will be a very long time before someone... inspires me the way she did. I belLIEveD with your wife.

Chuck: I can’t believed you combined the two things I hated most about you.

Tom: My mother warned me about getting into cars with strange men.

Chuck: This isn't a car. It’s a blog, you jacka-

Tom: Don't worry, Master Jewels. It takes a little time to get back into the swing of things.

Chuck: Queen... And Prince. Those are the two competing spots for last slot this month.

Tom: Those are brazen names for performers.

Chuck: Yeah, but they work well together. What do you know about them?

Tom: That you should be as entertained of them as I am.

Chuck: Well, while Prince has been getting some play time, but Queen’s live performance at Wembley http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uh9oUHO2dxE secures their spot as the last candidate in The Performer of the Month.

Tom: You cannot reveal from these men unless you are prepared to do what is necessary to pick this month’s Performer.

Chuck: And how would I be picking these men?

Tom: Drumroll. As Paul’s favored host you will be ideally placed to ask for his drumroll.

Chuck: How?

Tom: This Performer of the Month’s time has come. Like PWND Fiction Content and Hanging on Belay before it, the post has become a breeding ground for words and humor. It is beyond liking and must be commented on. This is the most important function of The PostAWeek. Performer of the Month... must come to an end.

Chuck: Then I suppose that’s your cue, Paul

Paul: dududududuuddududududududu

Chuck: Bryan Cranston of Breaking Bad.

Tom: ...

Chuck: Uh, Tom. You kind of need to say something

Tom: ...

Paul: I need you to get me back in the game.

Tom: This Blog needs me.

Chuck: Oh, geeze, this was just a setup

Tom: I'll die before I stop talking.

Chuck: No references, no wife jokes.

Tom: Where’s the fun in that? References and wife jokes, powerful agents for the uninitiated. But we are initiated, aren't we Chuck?

Chuck: Yeah, I’m done with this episode. David can just come in and finish if he’d like

Tom: He’s the blogger the internet deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we’ll ignore him. Because he can take it. Because he’s not our blogger. He’s a silent typer, a witty proliferer of words. A digital knight.

Chuck: You know what, we’re at like double our word count. Have a fantastic week, PostAWeek readers. Come back next week for another brilliant, and regularly scheduled PostAWeek, The Domains of Attractiveness.

David: Hey, guys. What’s up?

Paul: David! We were just talking about you.

David: Speak of the Devil, and he shall appear

Tom: Yes! The Batman references continue!

David: Alright, Chuck. Get out of here. I’ll take over for the rest of the show.

Chuck: No letter, no words? What sort of due process is this?

David: Your performance has been determined. This is merely a sentencing hearing. Now, what will it be? Death or Firing?

Chuck: David, if you think I’m going to walk out in that economy willingly, you got another thing coming!

David: So it's death then?

Chuck: Looks that way.

David: Very well. Death!

Tom: By firing!

David: Thanks, Tom.

Tom: Why are you here?

Chuck: Answer him!

Tom: I was asking you.

Chuck: Screw it, I’m out.

David: Bye Chuck! See you in March

Chuck: Bite me

Tom: Hey, you and your wife have a lot in common!

David: Well, now we really are double our supposed word count. Care to take us out, Tom?

Tom: Sure thing, David. Bye!

Listening to

King (the 80’s pop band)

Twitter Tag

*David* Postaweek. Jesus. I thought you were dead.

*PostAWeek* Weekly, only at http://tiny.cc/PostAWeek7

Going faster than a “Reply All” email, websites like mine will surely go your way

http://twitter.com/daviddysart The twits are tweeting and rss feeding

http://daviddysart.tumblr.com/ I pray your mouse batteries die, and you take a tumblr

http://thebloggaday.blogspot.com/ Now here’s a little blog, I’ve got to tell

http://tiny.cc/Facebook_DavidDysart  I’m not calling you a bot, just don’t botter me

I wanna view like Youtube

http://www.youtube.com/user/DavidDysart Shut up and let me show

What’s pickier than pickier? The Piccaday

http://tiny.cc/Piccaday_Photobucket Light me up that web cam and strap a smile on my face

http://thepiccaday.blogspot.com/ Let the pictures hit the floor

http://tiny.cc/Piccaday_Flickr I’m gonna pack my pixels and I’m gonna go your way

New to the Bloggaday? These are the essential posts to see

158 – Boxer V Brief – Short, concise joke machine and a DYNAMIC ENTRANCE! to my favorite Bloggadays of the Second Trigaday

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday158

159 – A Phthalates-filled Sbarro Breadstick – This was just a funny Bloggaday despite the essence being something no one will get unless the look up what a phthalate is

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday159

174 – FNtCCA,aToTbDD– While I think it’s clear I rarely EDIT the Bloggaday, this train-of-thought post shows how much I have to FILTER it…

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday174

183 – SotW 13 – This one had it all. Pretty much every bit that’s been a major player in the SotW made its way into this one, so it’s a good one to try.

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday183

134 – SotW 5 – This particular Song of the Week featured the characters a bit truer to their original concept. After a while, I started liking Tom too much and changed him a bit which caused changes to Chuck.

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday134

227 – PWND: TSHBRotCCPS pt16 was some solid fiction content. Plus, that was probably some of the finest Final Thought I’ve ever thought up.

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday227

Bane: Calm down, Doctor! Now's not the time for fear. That comes later.

The Doctor: Fear breeds hatred. Fear is the greatest enemy of them all, for fear leads us to war.

Bane: Peace has cost you your strength! Victory has defeated you! As a man once said, “There's a point, far out there when the structures fail you, and the rules aren't weapons anymore, they're... shackles letting the bad guy get ahead.”

The Doctor: Good men don't need rules. Today is not the day to find out why I have so many. 

PostAWeek 6: February Performer of the Month – The (Still) Dark PotM By David “Jokers Wild” Dysart

PostAWeek 6: February Performer of the Month – The (Still) Dark PotM

By David “Jokers Wild” Dysart

Tom and Chuck were transcribed in front of an imaginary audience

Chuck: Hello, and welcome back, PostAWeek readers. If you haven’t read the first part of the February Performer of the Month, do be sure to go read it at http://tiny.cc/PostAWeek5

Tom: Why did we end the show unfinished?

Chuck: I don’t know. Why?

Tom: So we can pick it back up again.

Chuck: Are you seriously still doing these ridiculous Batman references? Who does that?!?

Tom: It doesn't matter who I am... what matters is my references. No one cared who I was until I quoted the man in the mask.

Chuck: If I stop talking right now, will you stop?

Tom: It would be extremely beneficial...

Chuck: You're a big liar.

Tom: ...to you.

Chuck: Forget it. I’m going to go make a sandwich until you burn yourself out.

Tom: I do fear hosting. I fear finishing in here while my ego burns.

Chuck: Then make with the regular talk.

Tom: How?

Chuck: As the I did. Without depending on pop culture. Then amazing will find you again.

Tom: So, you came back to host with your partner?

Chuck: No. I came back to stop you from talking in ridiculous references.

Tom: You don't fear humor... You welcome it. Your punishment must be more severe.

Chuck: references?

Tom: Yes. But not of your Marvel... Of my DC.

Chuck: Screw it. You and Paul can finish the post.

Tom: I made a promise on the keyboard of my creator that I would rid this blog of the boringness that took his likes. By day, I am Tom, imaginiar, real pill, and a pest. At night, insomniacs, a bored and sleepless lot, call me... Entertainment.

Chuck: Hmm, I think a good ol’ fashioned PB and J would be nice.

Tom: You on the board?

Paul: When your host leaves things, yeah.

Tom: You knew he’d make a sandwich?

Paul: Oh, yeah. Helped him buy the spread. Ah, here we are. Keep-fresh ziplock bag. Machine-threshed and cracked whole grain. The three hundred and fifty calorie fresh mayonnaise. Wonderful project, your host’s sandwich. Put it right into the fridge along with the soda and chips. Kind of made my fridge the unofficial food source for the PostAWeek. Of course, David’ll let it go to rot. Here we are. Cheese puffs for the finished sandwich, extra cheese, stay-puff technology.

Chuck: Hey, guys. You done yet?

Tom: You traveled to the kitchen... Now you must journey inwards... to what you really want to eat... it's inside you... there is no turning back. Your poor choice of sandwich was not your fault. Your food prep is nothing. The hunger is everything. If you make yourself more than just a sandwich, if you devote time to a meal, it becomes something else entirely. Are you ready to begin?

Chuck: bb, M lrdy eedng

Tom: If something stands in the way of a true meal, you simply walk up behind them and slap the plate out of their hands.

(Glass breaking)

Chuck: Duu! Ai jus ade tht!

Tom: Not a lot of people know what it feels like to be hungry, in your bones. I mean, they understand, famished, everybody understands, for a while. Then they want the hungry little kid to do something he knows he can't do, move on. So after a while they stop understanding. They send the hungry kid a sandwich. I figured it out too late. You gotta learn to hide your hunger, practice smiling in the mirror. It's like putting on a mask.

Chuck: Are you saying you’re hungry too?

Tom: Speak of the hunger and he shall appear.

Chuck: Well, we’re over our word count. Let’s go grab something to eat

Tom: Shrimp balls?

Chuck: No!

Tom: So which is it to be? Deli, or restaurant?

Chuck: Restaurant!

Tom: Sold! To the man in a meat sweat.

Chuck: Paul, you coming.

Paul: Yeah, go ahead. I just need to post this.

Chuck: Well, PostAWeek readers, we bid you adieu. Please do join us next week for the exciting conclusion of the February Performer of the Month!

Tom: I see a beautiful post and a brilliant people reading from their bed. I see the likes for which I lay down my words, peaceful, useful, prosperous and happy. I see that I hold a sanctuary in their hearts, and in the hearts of their descendants, generations hence. It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better restaurant that I go to, than I have ever known.

Chuck: Cool, see you next time, PostAWeek readers!

...

...

Paul: I believe in Tom Fosury. I believe in Chuck Jewels. I believe in PostAWeek

Reading to

The Heist by Mackelmore (how great a villain name is that?)

Twitter Tag

It's a funny world we live in. Speaking of which, do you know how I got these blogs? Only at http://tiny.cc/PostAWeek6

Going faster than a “Reply All” email, websites like mine will surely go your way

http://twitter.com/daviddysart All in all, it’s just another post in the feed

http://daviddysart.tumblr.com/ I’m gonna post some tumblrs

http://hangingonbelay.blogspot.com/ Got you stuck on my belay, on my belay like a figure 8

http://daviddysart.blogspot.com/ Posts become as vapid as a blogger out in Starbucks

http://tiny.cc/Facebook_DavidDysart This site has got to be the most pretentious thing

New to the Bloggaday? These are the essential posts to see

158 – Boxer V Brief – Short, concise joke machine and a DYNAMIC ENTRANCE! to my favorite Bloggadays of the Second Trigaday

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday158

159 – A Phthalates-filled Sbarro Breadstick – This was just a funny Bloggaday despite the essence being something no one will get unless the look up what a phthalate is

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday159

174 – FNtCCA,aToTbDD– While I think it’s clear I rarely EDIT the Bloggaday, this train-of-thought post shows how much I have to FILTER it…

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday174

183 – SotW 13 – This one had it all. Pretty much every bit that’s been a major player in the SotW made its way into this one, so it’s a good one to try.

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday183

134 – SotW 5 – This particular Song of the Week featured the characters a bit truer to their original concept. After a while, I started liking Tom too much and changed him a bit which caused changes to Chuck.

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday134

227 – PWND: TSHBRotCCPS pt16 was some solid fiction content. Plus, that was probably some of the finest Final Thought I’ve ever thought up.

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday227

Come on, I want you to do it, I want you to do it. Come on, like me. *like me!* 

PostAWeek 5: February Performer of the Month - PotM Begins

PostAWeek 5: February Performer of the Month - PotM Begins

By David “Crane-Style” Dysart

Tom and Chuck were transcribed in front of an imaginary audience

Chuck: Hello, PostAWeek readers, and welcome to a special, early edition of The Performer of the Month!

Tom: Yes, Chuck. It’s kind of like a recreational preemptive strike. A carpet bombing extravaganza of performers.

Chuck: Eh, let’s move away from the war aspect of it all.

Tom: I just thought a more visceral explanation might liven things up a bit.

Chuck: Yeah, well I’m not a big genocide fan, so if we could get back on topic.

Tom: Woah, woah, woah! This is supposed to be a light-hearted episode of the PostAWeek. Why so serious?

Chuck: What was that? Some kind of Batman reference? A bit of foreshadowing for one of our performers this month?

Tom: Yes and no.

Chuck: How can something be both yes and no! They are mutually exclusive!

Tom: Are you done?

Chuck: Are you going to answer me?

Tom: Yes

Chuck: Then yes, I’m done.

Tom: I was answering your QUESTIONS. Yes it was a Batman reference, but no, it’s in now way foreshadowing.

Chuck: Then why?

Tom: I was just trying to get things back on track.

Chuck: Oh,

Tom: Which is hard, when some men just want to watch the show burn.

Chuck: Really?

Tom: Chuck, take control… take control of your blog. Behold, the instrument of your literation! Identify yourself to the internet!

Chuck: Why are you doing this to me?

Tom: People need dramatic words to shake them into good entertainment, and I can’t do that as Tom. As a character, I’m thoughts and words; I can be ignored, I can be destroyed. But as a blog host… as a blog host I can be immortal. I can be everlasting

Paul:  Hey, guys. Hold up a sec.

Chuck: What’s up?

Tom: It’s simple. Chuck is the enemy. There's no time for Chuck. There's no room for Chuck. Chuck turns into X’d out windows. Forgone posts. Chuck drives away what can never be lost. Never.

Paul: Actually, we lost power. How did you guys not notice half the lights go out?

Chuck: Oh, jeeze, I don’t know.

Tom: Calm down, Chuck! Now's not the time for Performers. That comes later.

Chuck: Oh my goodness, Is this enough for us to scrap it this week so I can get out of here.

Tom: You can never escape me. Darkness doesn’t harm me. Nothing harms me. But I know lame. I know lame. Sometimes I see it. In someone like you.

Chuck: Oh, bravo, you can quote one of the biggest box office success stories in the history of the world.

Tom: You host like a younger man, with nothing held back. Admirable but mistaken.

Tom: Oh, you think humor is your ally. But you merely adopted the funny; I was born in it, molded by it. I didn't see monotony until I was already a man, by then it was nothing to me but BORING!

Tom: The humor betrays you, because it belongs to me!

Tom: Ah, yes... I was wondering what would break first...

Tom: Your words, or your show?

Chuck: Well, I think that that’s about everything we’re going to get to today.

Tom: Not everything. Not yet

Chuck: Come on, Tom. Can we just end the show?

Tom: The end, where I learned the truth about despair, as will you. There's a reason why the PostAWeek is the worst blog on earth... Boringness. Every man who has ventured here over the weeks has looked up to the word count and imagined reading it to completion. So easy... So simple... And like shipwrecked men turning to seawater from uncontrollable thirst, many have sighed trying. I learned here that there can be no true blog without boreingness. So, as I terrorize the internet, I will feed its people boringness to corrupt their minds. I will let them believe they can finish so that you can watch them clamoring over each other to "skim to the end." You can watch me torture an entire Facebook friendlist and when you have truly understood the depth of your failure, we will fulfill David Dysart’s destiny... We will destroy PostAWeek and then, when it is done and The Performer of the Month is pixels, then you have my permission to end the show

Chuck: Actually, we’re way over our word count. We’ll have to get to the performers next week.

Tom: Once I have told you who the performer of the month is, then you have my permission to end the show!

Paul: Tune in next week — same PostAWeek-time, same PostAWeek-blog!

Reading to

IMDB’s Quotations Page

Twitter Tag

I won't entertain you, but I don't have to bore you, only at the PostAWeek http://tiny.cc/PostAWeek5

Going faster than a “Reply All” email, websites like mine will surely go your way

http://twitter.com/daviddysart All in all, it’s just another post in the feed

http://daviddysart.tumblr.com/ I’m gonna post some tumblrs

http://hangingonbelay.blogspot.com/ Got you stuck on my belay, on my belay like a figure 8

http://daviddysart.blogspot.com/ Posts become as vapid as a blogger out in Starbucks

http://tiny.cc/Facebook_DavidDysart This site has got to be the most pretentious thing

New to the Bloggaday? These are the essential posts to see

158 – Boxer V Brief – Short, concise joke machine and a DYNAMIC ENTRANCE! to my favorite Bloggadays of the Second Trigaday

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday158

159 – A Phthalates-filled Sbarro Breadstick – This was just a funny Bloggaday despite the essence being something no one will get unless the look up what a phthalate is

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday159

174 – FNtCCA,aToTbDD– While I think it’s clear I rarely EDIT the Bloggaday, this train-of-thought post shows how much I have to FILTER it…

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday174

183 – SotW 13 – This one had it all. Pretty much every bit that’s been a major player in the SotW made its way into this one, so it’s a good one to try.

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday183

134 – SotW 5 – This particular Song of the Week featured the characters a bit truer to their original concept. After a while, I started liking Tom too much and changed him a bit which caused changes to Chuck.

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday134

227 – PWND: TSHBRotCCPS pt16 was some solid fiction content. Plus, that was probably some of the finest Final Thought I’ve ever thought up.

http://tiny.cc/Bloggaday227

Are these readers your followers?

I don't have the luxury of followers.