PostAWeek 5: February Performer of the Month - PotM Begins
By David “Crane-Style”
Dysart
Tom and Chuck were transcribed in
front of an imaginary audience
Chuck: Hello, PostAWeek readers,
and welcome to a special, early edition of The Performer of the Month!
Tom: Yes, Chuck. It’s kind of like
a recreational preemptive strike. A carpet bombing extravaganza of performers.
Chuck: Eh, let’s move away from the
war aspect of it all.
Tom: I just thought a more visceral
explanation might liven things up a bit.
Chuck: Yeah, well I’m not a big
genocide fan, so if we could get back on topic.
Tom: Woah, woah, woah! This is
supposed to be a light-hearted episode of the PostAWeek. Why so serious?
Chuck: What was that? Some kind of
Batman reference? A bit of foreshadowing for one of our performers this month?
Tom: Yes and no.
Chuck: How can something be both
yes and no! They are mutually exclusive!
Tom: Are you done?
Chuck: Are you going to answer me?
Tom: Yes
Chuck: Then yes, I’m done.
Tom: I was answering your
QUESTIONS. Yes it was a Batman reference, but no, it’s in now way
foreshadowing.
Chuck: Then why?
Tom: I was just trying to get
things back on track.
Chuck: Oh,
Tom: Which is hard, when some men
just want to watch the show burn.
Chuck: Really?
Tom: Chuck, take control… take
control of your blog. Behold, the instrument of your literation! Identify
yourself to the internet!
Chuck: Why are you doing this to
me?
Tom: People need dramatic words to
shake them into good entertainment, and I can’t do that as Tom. As a character,
I’m thoughts and words; I can be ignored, I can be destroyed. But as a blog
host… as a blog host I can be immortal. I can be everlasting
Paul: Hey, guys. Hold up a sec.
Chuck: What’s up?
Tom: It’s simple. Chuck is the
enemy. There's no time for Chuck. There's no room for Chuck. Chuck turns into
X’d out windows. Forgone posts. Chuck drives away what can never be lost.
Never.
Paul: Actually, we lost power. How
did you guys not notice half the lights go out?
Chuck: Oh, jeeze, I don’t know.
Tom: Calm down, Chuck! Now's not
the time for Performers. That comes later.
Chuck: Oh my goodness, Is this
enough for us to scrap it this week so I can get out of here.
Tom: You can never escape me. Darkness
doesn’t harm me. Nothing harms me. But I know lame. I know lame. Sometimes I
see it. In someone like you.
Chuck: Oh, bravo, you can quote one
of the biggest box office success stories in the history of the world.
Tom: You host like a younger man,
with nothing held back. Admirable but mistaken.
Tom: Oh, you think humor is your
ally. But you merely adopted the funny; I was born in it, molded by it. I
didn't see monotony until I was already a man, by then it was nothing to me but
BORING!
Tom: The humor betrays you, because
it belongs to me!
Tom: Ah, yes... I was wondering
what would break first...
Tom: Your words, or your show?
Chuck: Well, I think that that’s
about everything we’re going to get to today.
Tom: Not everything. Not yet
Chuck: Come on, Tom. Can we just
end the show?
Tom: The end, where I learned the
truth about despair, as will you. There's a reason why the PostAWeek is the
worst blog on earth... Boringness. Every man who has ventured here over the
weeks has looked up to the word count and imagined reading it to completion. So
easy... So simple... And like shipwrecked men turning to seawater from
uncontrollable thirst, many have sighed trying. I learned here that there can
be no true blog without boreingness. So, as I terrorize the internet, I will
feed its people boringness to corrupt their minds. I will let them believe they
can finish so that you can watch them clamoring over each other to "skim
to the end." You can watch me torture an entire Facebook friendlist and
when you have truly understood the depth of your failure, we will fulfill David
Dysart’s destiny... We will destroy PostAWeek and then, when it is done and The
Performer of the Month is pixels, then you have my permission to end the show
Chuck: Actually, we’re
way over our word count. We’ll have to get to the performers next week.
Tom: Once I have told you who the
performer of the month is, then you have my permission to end the show!
Paul: Tune in next week — same PostAWeek-time,
same PostAWeek-blog!
Reading to
IMDB’s Quotations Page
Twitter Tag
I won't entertain you, but I don't have to bore you, only at
the PostAWeek http://tiny.cc/PostAWeek5
Going faster than a
“Reply All” email, websites like mine will surely go your way
http://twitter.com/daviddysart All in
all, it’s just another post in the feed
http://daviddysart.tumblr.com/ I’m
gonna post some tumblrs
http://hangingonbelay.blogspot.com/
Got you stuck on my belay, on my belay like a figure 8
http://daviddysart.blogspot.com/
Posts become as vapid as a blogger out in Starbucks
http://tiny.cc/Facebook_DavidDysart
This site has got to be the most pretentious thing
New to the Bloggaday?
These are the essential posts to see
158 – Boxer V Brief –
Short, concise joke machine and a DYNAMIC ENTRANCE! to my favorite Bloggadays
of the Second Trigaday
159 – A Phthalates-filled
Sbarro Breadstick – This was just a funny Bloggaday despite the essence being
something no one will get unless the look up what a phthalate is
174 – FNtCCA,aToTbDD–
While I think it’s clear I rarely EDIT the Bloggaday, this train-of-thought
post shows how much I have to FILTER it…
183 – SotW 13 – This one
had it all. Pretty much every bit that’s been a major player in the SotW made
its way into this one, so it’s a good one to try.
134 – SotW 5 – This
particular Song of the Week featured the characters a bit truer to their
original concept. After a while, I started liking Tom too much and changed him
a bit which caused changes to Chuck.
227 – PWND: TSHBRotCCPS
pt16 was some solid fiction content. Plus, that was probably some of the finest
Final Thought I’ve ever thought up.
Are these readers your followers?
I don't have the luxury
of followers.
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