PostAWeek 18: The Davidian Blog – A Very Mother’s Day Blog
By David “Cranial Pain
Orgy” Dysart
Tom and Chuck were
transcribed in front of an imaginary audience
Chuck: Why, hello there, PostAWeek
reader. We have quite the post for you today.
Tom: That we do, Chuck. /shot
Chuck: Woah, Tom, take it easy with
the shots. The show just started.
Tom: Which means we don’t have any
time to waste! /shot /shot We didn’t have anytime for pregaming, so we have to
hit the ground running!
Chuck: Just pace yourself. We’re
going to be hear a while.
Tom: Alright. I’ll make a deal with
you. Every time I want to take a shot, you can take it instead. /sho
Chuck: Here, here. Give it to me.
/shot
Tom: Well, folks. In celebration of
yesterday’s Mothers Day, we’re going to be celebrating mothers everywhere and
looking back at our old Mothers Day posts from the Bloggaday...
Chuck: ...
Tom: /sh
Chuck: Come on. /shot Oh, goodness,
that was terrible. What was that?
Tom: Absinthe.
Chuck: Is that really alcoholic or
something?
Tom: Nah. I just didn’t want to
spring for something really expensive, so it doesn’t taste really good. /shot
/sho
Chuck: Don’t do two! Paul, is he
screwing with me?
Paul: Nah, at worst, it’s like 130
proof.
Tom: Did you want to take this one
instead of me?
Chuck: ...
Tom: /sh
Chuck: Geeze. Give it here. /shot
Tom: Taste any better this time
‘round?
Chuck: Yeah, actually. I’m feel...
Feelin pretty goo-hckkp-d.
Tom: Yeah, I bet. /sh
Chuck: Well, nowholdon... Jush vig
it heer. /shot
Tom: Would you like to introduce
our first clip?
Chuck: Ahaha. Yesh. Wai. Yesh.
Yesh. Dammit
Tom: You can do it, Chuck.
Chuck: Se ye.
Tom: Good jocb, Chuck.
Chuck: Thanks, yooouuuu. /shot
Tom: Here, Chuck. Just take this
pillow and go lie down.
Chuck: Shanx, Tom. You’re amazing.
I luv you.
Tom: And I love your wife, Chuck.
Just go to bed. No no, don’t fuss. Here.
Chuck: /shot
Tom: Well, folks. In 2010,
Bloggaday author ran a special Mothers Day post. Let’s take a look at that now.
Chuck: /Snore
/CLIP
Another year has come and gone. A changing of the seasons has
brought us another Mother’s Day. I hope all you Mothers out there have a great
day. Because if there is one thing you Mothers deserve, it’s a great Mother’s
Day.
/clip
Tom: Oooo, goodness. Our PostAWeek
author was getting a little suggestive. Let’s see how the rest of the post
went...
Chuck: Tom, get the bushet!
/CLIP
So be lazy all you
Mothers, tucked in bed, perhaps some breakfast in there. Maybe you can read a
book all you Mothers. Huckleberry Finn is always a good choice. You deserve
some candy, you Mother. Suckers are always a great candy, especially when they
have those tootsie rolls in them. Maybe you can go see a comedy show tonight,
you Mothers. Tucker, Chris Tucker from the Rush Hour fame is a funny guy. Maybe
you could have America’s favorite food, you Mothers. Smuckers would probably be
my choice of jelly for you guys though. All in all, you just need to rest you
Mothers. Bucker down and just get some R&R.
So to all you Mothers out
there, have a great Mother’s Day.
/clip
Chuck: Blargh!
Tom: Let it out, Chuck. Just purge
your stomach
Chuck: It’s in the rug. Uuhhh.
Tom: Don’t worry, I’ll rub your
nose in it later.
Paul: Tom, we’re back.
Chuck: Don’t leave me, ToUrrghlurpm
Tom: Well, folks. As you can guess,
such a racy presentation in the well-wishing, our Bloggaday author had to
publicly apologize for it.
Chuck: ArhclpurA!
/CLIP
Last Night Me: I’m laying
here in bed at 2 o’clock in the morning, but something is weighing on me. It’s
such a burden that I can’t even sleep. I did something incomprehensible. I took
something good and pure and special, and what did I do? I made a joke out of
it. Worst of all? I did it on Mother’s Day. Granted, it wouldn’t have been any
better on a holiday like Arbor Day or Pearl Harbor Day, but I don’t know, it
just seems wrong. So very wrong.
/clip
Tom: HALLELUJA, OUR POSTAWEEK
AUTHOR HAS SEEN THE LIGHT! HE RECOGNIZES HIS TRANSGRESSION AND IS SEEKING THE
FORGIVING LIGHT OF HI-
Chuck: toooOOOMMM
Tom: FORGIVE ME, MY CONGREGATION. I
HAVE A CHILD IN NEED OF MY SERVICES!
Chuck: Shhhhh
Tom: WHAT IS IT, MY LOST FLOCK.
WHAT IS IT THAT AILS YOU SO?
Chuck: A hangover. You need to
shhhhhhhuuuu
Tom: I’M SORRY, MY CHILD! I CANNOT
CONTAIN MY LOVE. I CANNOT – I WILL NOT CONTAIN MY ENTHUSIAM FOR THE WORD OF
MOTHERS DAY COMING RIGHT NOW!
/CLIP
I just reread that, after
all, how can I expect you to do so if I can’t even bring myself to do so? I’ve
got to say, it was pretty rough. I want to say I’m sorry. I actually threw up a
little bit when I read it. I just can’t believe I went that far, just for a
joke. I actually endorsed Smuckers over Concord jelly. There simply aren’t
words to describe how sorry I am. I can only hope by giving the subject its own
spot on my coveted Bloggaday, I can start repairing the broken trust. I promise
that in the future, I will strive to be a better person in not only these
matters, but in every aspect of my life. Thank you and have a nice day.
/clip
Chuck: Ugh, it feels like someone
stuck tire pump in my eyeball and pumped it until my head exploded in a cranial
pain orgy
Tom: That is quite possible the
most horrible and atrocious thing I’ve ever heard.
Chuck: Sh sh shhhhhh
Tom: Well, while you fetal position
away your hangover, I’ll just be over doing OUR job.
Chuck: You do that.
Tom: Well, it looks like the
Bloggaday author finally manned up AND REPINTED FOR HIS SMUCKERS SIN!
Chuck: Not cool! Inside voice.
Tom: Since we’re ridiculously over our
word count, I guess we’ll just send you on with the same words of wisdom that
closed the Bloggaday 84/85 duo. Straight from the Bloggaday author himself,
/CLIP
Morning Me: That was a
rather refreshing nap. Fell asleep at 5 and woke up at 7. Newton took sporadic
2 ours naps throughout the day rather than sleep, didn’t he? Purple garden
spades taste lemony 0_o
/clip
Listening to
THE WORD OF MOTHERS DAY! CAN I GET AN AMEN!?!!!!
Twitter Tag
I just came up with Cranial Pain Orgy on a Mothers Day
PostAWeek blog. You can’t tell me you’re not #curious http://tiny.cc/PostAWeek18 #CranialPainOrgy
Going faster than a
“Reply All” email, websites like mine will surely go your way
http://twitter.com/daviddysart All in
all, it’s just another post in the feed
http://daviddysart.tumblr.com/ I’m
gonna post some tumblrs
http://hangingonbelay.blogspot.com/
Got you stuck on my belay, on my belay like a figure 8
http://daviddysart.blogspot.com/
Posts become as vapid as a blogger out in Starbucks
http://tiny.cc/Facebook_DavidDysart
This site has got to be the most pretentious thing
The http my own website
is coming soon .com !!!! in all its Glory - and all its Horror
New to the PostAWeek?
These are the essential posts to see
3 – January Performer of
the Month – The first official appearance of Chuck and Tom on the PostAWeek,
and a good sampler of their style.
5, 6, 7 – The February
Performer of the Month Trilogy – The only Performer of the Month to span 3
posts, Chuck deals with a Batman-quoting Tom for over 1,500 words in this
three-bit of brilliance
8, 9, 10 – The Mile High
Diaries Trilogy – My yearly pilgrimage to the top of Mount Etatslac chronicled
for the future generations to tackle the peak, written article-style with
pulled quotes and all that jazz.
Hi, this is PostAWeek author, David
Dysart. I just thought I would give all of you dedicated readers a little
inside baseball on this week’s post.
I’ll be honest with you. I was
having problems coming up with a post for this week. I have a letter I need to
write for a friend, which I was going to do Sunday and post it, but it didn’t
end up happening.
Then I got this idea of doing a
phone-a-thon style post where Tom and Chuck hosted clips from the Mothers Day
Bloggadays. Then I was going to slowly go through the stage of Tom getting
plastered, sobering up, sick, hangover. When I started writing it though, I
thought it would be funny with Chuck getting drunk. Took a lot more words than
I was hoping though.
Anyways, that’s kind of the nuts
and bolts for this post (though I will admit, I forgot that my public apology
was for the Smuckers comment).
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