PostAWeek 19: Headlines from the Austen Jazzette –
Classified Ads and Washington’s Correspondence
By David “Quite the
Huckster” Dysart
Something quite a bit different
today. Back in 2012, I started my excursion of acting (with http://heartlandplayers.org/). It was
with the show Sense and Sensibility. One of the scenes in the show involved
Eleanor reading a newspaper. Ever the writer, I volunteered (a venture I shared
with our Colonel Brandon). Now, I couldn’t just write scraggly lines across the
paper and be done with it. Oh no, these had to have legitimate writing on them!
Like I said, at least one other one
was written by another cast member, but I don’t have a picture of that one. I
also might have written another one, but if I did, it has been lost to the
world by now. Either way, they were a blast to write at the time (plus I think
I did it during work day, so it got me out of lifting heavy things).
The first one is just some classified
ads from Britishy pop culture type stuff.
The second one is a trashy
tabloid-style article about how George Washington sold soul to win the
Revolutionary War.
For the Classified ad, these
references are:
Doctor Who (I changed from “cancer”
because coincidentally, my goofing around fit rather well with what happened
with the show)
Benny Hill
The Hobbit (as Gandalf)
Lord of the Rings
Dr. Frankenstein
Pride and Prejudice
Sense and Sensibility (How meta is
that?!?!?!!?!)
£ .10 10 December 1810
Austen Jazzette
Classified Advertisement
Doctor
seeking companion for traveling through time and space. No pay but free room
and board with discretionary fund. Amazing sights to be seen. Some hazardous
conditions (chemicals known to the planet of Galifrey to cause Time Lord). Men
and pregnant women need not apply. Contact psychic paper
Police
seeking citizens to run in fast forward. Applicants must be able to run through
doors repeatedly. Been on hill, find to apply.
Wizard
seeking short person to share in an adventure with. Hairy feet and an unknown
ability in thieving preferred. Ability to relate with dwarves highly suggested
Seeking
black-powder weapon for trip to Mordor. Council has already procured the use of
sword, bow, and axe. More than simple walking required, but return trip on the
back of giant eagle available to those who complete the trip. Lovers of jewelry
need not apply. Contact local Ranger for more information.
Looking
for several cadavers to create giant, death-defying monster. Loved ones will
live on in roomy castle with beautiful view of a windmill. To donate, contact
world-renowned public relations manager, Igor.
Parish
on the country-side seeking minister that loves small cottages. Willing to
ordain those who have a desire to go into the church. Those seeking fortune
need not apply. Contact your local Colonel retiree.
Darcy
family looking for beautiful debutante to act as Lady of the House for public
showing. Must be very proper, but still willing to instill jealousy. Pride a
requirement. Prejudiced need not apply. Apply at the largest estate in area
£ .10 10 December 1810
Austen Jazzette
Classified Advertisement
With the 35th of America’s
anniversaries, new revelations of its fight for freedom have met light. Austen
Jazzette’s own Charles Dickens has found correspondence between General George
Washington and Satan (Lucifer, the fallen angel for all the pagan and non-Anglican
readers). While these letters star off innocent enough, Washington begins
expressing concerns to the Angel of Darkness about the stout resolve of British
foot soldiers, the strategic brilliance of its generals, and the sound logic of
its diplomatic convoys. That is when Beelzebub began making his hard sell.
It has been long-known that American soldiers
were selling their souls for black powder and soles, but even the random
colonel bartered their souls for small military victories (Bunker Hill,
anyone?), but the Dark Prince was about to broker his biggest deal since
Carthage came in, riding his elephants.
While the turncoat Washington cited his strong
religious resolve (though his choice of pen pals would raise doubt to this
claim), eventually, the Horned King wore the feeble-minded Washington down.
Washington’s letters took a distinct turn as America’s odds of winning
continued to decrease.
Finally, the Low One made his offer, two offers
in fact, and it was Washington’s choice...
For the price of Washington’s soul and for 3/5ths
of all the souls of his progeny, the Red Beast would turn the tides of the war
in favor of the Americans.
Correspondance between the two stopped for nearly
a fortnight before Hell’s general reconnected with the inexperienced
Washington. He had already replanned his strategy with a new deal, a deal that
would help shape the world for decades to come...
For the immortal soul of every soldier on the
American side lost in the war from the start of the deal, the American victory
was assured. Being quite the huckster himself, Washington saw the potential of
the Serpent to prolong the war to increase the soul count. Washington agreed
with the added stipulation that the Beast would expedite the war with limited loss
of American life. In return, he would sacrifice British
Cont. On A3
THE COST: FREEdom
Listening to
The 40 Year Old Boy
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Going faster than a
“Reply All” email, websites like mine will surely go your way
http://twitter.com/daviddysart All in
all, it’s just another post in the feed
http://daviddysart.tumblr.com/ I’m
gonna post some tumblrs
http://hangingonbelay.blogspot.com/
Got you stuck on my belay, on my belay like a figure 8
http://daviddysart.blogspot.com/
Posts become as vapid as a blogger out in Starbucks
http://tiny.cc/Facebook_DavidDysart
This site has got to be the most pretentious thing
The http my own website
is coming soon .com !!!! in all its Glory - and all its Horror
New to the PostAWeek?
These are the essential posts to see
3 – January Performer of
the Month – The first official appearance of Chuck and Tom on the PostAWeek,
and a good sampler of their style.
5, 6, 7 – The February
Performer of the Month Trilogy – The only Performer of the Month to span 3
posts, Chuck deals with a Batman-quoting Tom for over 1,500 words in this
three-bit of brilliance
8, 9, 10 – The Mile High
Diaries Trilogy – My yearly pilgrimage to the top of Mount Etatslac chronicled
for the future generations to tackle the peak, written article-style with
pulled quotes and all that jazz.
I know nobody actually reads this blog, and even less than
the number of people who read it, actually skip past all of the plugs to read
this final bit every week, so does that mean a negative number of people are
reading this right now?
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